"If you need to take a break, my house is always open. I'm not kidding. You can stay as long as you'd like whether its a couple weeks or a couple months. I want you to know how much I care about you and love you."
I'm gonna pray about that.
Maybe it'll be a good thing to take a break.

But my mom would never forgive me...

You're right.
It's all my fault our family's fucked up.
Because I'm a spoiled brat.
Because all I care about is myself.
Because I'm the one who starts all of the fights.
Because It's my fault we don't have any money.
All. My. Fault.

There, I admitted it.
Happy?

Why don't I ever have anything positive to say?

As if staying on the phone after he hangs up will change anthing...

Just because you push the memory way doesn't mean it'll stay away.

I love how right when everything is starting to turn out alright,
something (or someone) has to come back and slap me in the face.
It's really starting to piss me off.
I thought my past didn't matter anymore!
I made a mistake, I know.
But there's nothing I can do to fix it now.
And it (and you) coming back from the back of my head isn't gonna fix it either.

It's amazing how one little decision could screw up my life this much.

"Everyone deserves someone to talk to..."

I have never been this open to anyone before.
It's scary how everything just poured out of me.
I just hope this time it wasn't the wrong person to open up to.
I don't open myself up as much as I used to.

But I can only put on a brave face for so long...

"We all are born with a history already written out."

I need to remember that.
I do have a purpose for my life.
So I shouldn't try to rush anything for my pleasure.
Because it isn't really pleasure at all when you think about it.

I have a problem.
I feel sorry for myself all the time.
Which is stupid because most of the crap that I'm going through is
selfinflicted.
And because there are people out there who are going through crap that's way worse.

On the brighter side, I've resisted for about five days now.
I know it doesn't sound like much,
but it is.


Fortune Cookie of the month-
                         "Never slam a door, you may want to go back into it."

:P

The sad part is, I didn't know that it was gonna turn into this four months ago...

"You're so beautiful."
"You have an amazing body"
"You're so skinny."

He's such a freaking liar.
The only reason he tries to make me feel "special" is so he can see me.
Then bam, he throws it into my face again, saying he'll tell someone.
Or show someone.

The sad part is,
I fall for it.
Every. Single. Time.

The sad part is,
I'm not man enough to tell him I don't want to anymore.
I just tell him that my phone's dying.
Or I have company over.
I'm such a wimp.

The sad part is,
He is having an amazing time looking at me
While here I am:
Suffering the consequences of my mistake...

The truth hurts sometimes...

The only reason I hate auditions is because of what you're gonna say to me.
"Megan, have you gained weight? Jeez!"
Was there really any point in asking this?!
Bitch.
"But really, you should lose a couple pounds. Then you might be able to make it as a dancer."
First of all, I can kick your ass at dance.
Anytime, anyplace.
Second of all, you aren't the skinniest person, either.

Girls can be so cruel sometimes.
Especially dancers.
But you?
You used to be my best friend, remember?

But, then again, maybe she's just trying to be a good person and tell me the truth...

Why do people have to cut?
It's hurting them so much.
It hurts me to see them go through it.

She has such negative images of herself.
Thinking she's stupid, ugly, and fat.
How can she not see how beautiful and smart she is?
I want to help her, but I just don't know how.
I love her.
But for some reason, she doesn't love herself...

"Tweet Tweet"

So my mom loves her bird more than me.
she said it was because it listens and only says "tweet tweet"
so from now on, I'm going to tweet every time she asks me something.

Maybe then she'll start liking me?

After lunch today, I got up and went to the bathroom as usual to throw up my food.
But random people kept on coming in.
So I couldn't.
So I didn't.
And now I feel crappy because I have a taco in me.
Humf.

I cried myself to sleep last night, as every night before it.
But this time it was more like balling.
Tears of hatred, anger, and sadness. Toward God, people,
and myself.
And then the anxiety came...

It was just a rough night in general.

My mom always makes little comments whenever I eat, along with all of my friends.
They don't understand how much it can hurt a girl in my situation.
The phrases stay forever.
And hurt forever.

But I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. There are people in much worse situations than me.

Just suck it up, Megan.

People keep on giving me songs and verses about being content with myself.
What they don't realize is ITS NOT HELPING!
They don't freaking understand what I'm freaking going through!
"Megan, You need to stop. You're hurting yourself."
Yeah, It's not that easy.  It's an addiction.
They don't get that. I can't just decide one day to just stop.
If it was that easy, I would've stopped a year ago.

It pisses me off that people think they know what I'm going through.
They DON'T.
It pisses me off that they yell at me because I do it.
But they never thought that maybe their little comments are what brought me to this, did they?!
It pisses me off that they think it's so easy to stop.
It pisses me off that when I actually do call out for help (which is rare, nowadays) they just ignore me by saying, "I'll pray for you."
I'm sorry, but I hate when people do that. I want help now.
If they know everything about this, they why aren't they gonna help me themselves?

Memories....

So I was braiding my hair today, and I remembered back when my mom used to braid my hair

When everything was simple
And my parents never fought, or, at least, hid their fighting from me
When the only bad I knew was a scraped knee at recess
Everything through those little brown eyes was perfect.
Or so I thought.

I wish they still hid their fighting from me.
I wish I was still naive to the bad things of this world.

But I guess I can't be little forever, can I?

...So everything is just going downhill
My parents keep on fighting. Like, today, during church, I noticed that all of the couples were either holding hands or being close in some way.
But my parents had an entire seat in between them.
And it broke my heart a little...

My anxiety is getting worse.
It only stops when im talking to either meg, mel, sarah, or cara.
Thats it.

Why cant I just have a nice life.. or even just a nice day.. just once?

Good day :)

"A hug is a great gift - one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange. "

Love you too... : /

These are the moments that make life make sense...

..So my two favorite people in the world are over :)
And they definitely make me feel better about it.
About everything.
They don't judge and don't speak,
when its time to vent
I love them for that
And the make me smile

The attacks keep coming.
But they slow down when they're around.

I love my girls <3

"I will always be beside you
until the very end,
wiping all  your tears away,
being your best friend,
I will smile when you smile
fell all the pain you do,
and if you cry a single tear,
I promise I will cry too."

My life is just one big exhale

"Sometimes I wish I could run away...but then I realize I have nowhere to go."
"You could always run to God's arms..."

No. I cant.
Every time I try to run into His arms and let him take over, he never helps me...

"You have to be patient. His timing is always perfect."

Well that could be a problem.
I have no patience.
I've been waiting for Him to make everything better for the past eight months.
And where has it gotten me?
Nowhere.

With a Tear-stained face, i move foward, hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel...

...So appearently, my parents have nothing better to do than yell at me, eachother, and then blame me for it all
Thanks.
Love you too.

I need to go to counseling or something.
But they dont want to pay for it
Even though they're the ones causing my panic attacks and all of my other screwed upness... (if thats a word?)

The only thing that keeps me moving foward is my friends... :P

Im shaking... I hate when they fight :/

"some day, some one,
will walk into you life,
and make you realize why,
it never worked
with anyone else."

The thoughts that run through my head...

So Mrs. Stuart didn"t ask me today....
Calm down meg, its only once
But I can't calm down. Maybe she really doesnt care about me, you know?
Sometimes I wish people did care. Maybe then I wouldnt be thinking about doing this.
But it's not exactly their fault. I'm not an interesting person... so why would they care about me?
They don't realize that they're hurting me anyways....

To be honest, I didnt really like the idea of blogging... everyone would see my thoughts.
But then I realized that I needed to let everything out.
And this is the perfect way to do that, without letting it out at the wrong time or to the wrong person.

Only 104 days until I leave!!! I'm so excited, you have no idea.
Stoked, even.
But, then again, I need to be in the right state of mind first.

I'm just writing everything that comes to my mind haha.
I wish I ws a deep person :P but, then again, I can't be serious all the time.

"The courage of a dreamer
The innocence of youth
The failures and the foolishness
That lead us to the truth"

    ~I like that song :)